Hope

Hope: the general feeling that some desire will be fulfilled.

I did not realize until today that I have no hope. I'm a grown up now. Working a job I really really really don't like - which drains me of all positive energy. Where I live for the weekends and then have Sunday ruined because I start worrying about Monday.

My kids are great - and I'm excited about their future. But, I'm more worried about how I'm going to get them to soccer, Taekwondo, baton, softball, and baseball while I'm sneaking out of work to take them. I worry about what school Prissy will go to next year because her private school ends. I also don't know how we'll manage the public school schedule with minimum days, super-minimum days, and getting out way before work is out.

We've been talking about getting a new house closer to work and school, but right now is a terrible time to sell.

All in all - I do my daily routine. Very boring. Hating the job, which is 9 hours a day, but enjoying the very short evenings with my kids... It's just the routine. I'm not depressed. No... Definately not depressed. I probably drink more than I need to. It helps me relax and forget about work. But excited for the future? Not so much - all I can see is more of the same until retirement.

I decided last week that I cannot work for NIB. I can't do it. I won't do it. It will make me crazy and unhappy and yes, probably depressed. It just doesn't make sense. I have an idea for work so I won't have to report to nib. But, because he is a power hungry mongrel with big connections - I'm not sure I'll get what I want. I'll still try though.

But, today - I felt hope for the first time in a long long long time. Hubby raised the possibility of something... Quitting my job, moving the kids to a local public school and doing some part time contracting work from home. I felt such hope that it was a physical reaction. When we started really investigating it, it seems impossible to do financially. And the negative physical reaction of a hope dashed was so severe it almost crippled me. In those few hours, I painted a picture of the future so beautiful that I almost believed it could be true. I had hope... Hope of a reduced stress level. Hope of having time to fix our house. Hope of having my kids home after school and just spending some time with them. Hope that I could maybe exercise once in a while. Hope that things could just be different. Hope that I wouldn't have to be a slave to nib. Hope... Hope for SOMETHING..

There is still a very very small glimmer - if we can reduce our spending by at least $30K a year we might be able to pull this off. (yes, it does feel impossible.) I will; not get my "hopes" up. I can't... it's just too painful if it doesn't come through...